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According to Chuck Norris

August 16th, 2009 · 7 Comments · Random Stuff

I knew who Chuck Norris was when I was growing up, but I was never a fan. He was just one of several “tough guy” karate movie actors at the time. I thought karate movies were kind of silly. When the hero was about to fight the bad guy and got into that classic karate stance, why didn’t the bad guy just shoot him? I’ve never seen a karate chop beat a bullet…

After his movies, Chuck moved onto TV, and made the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger. I’ve just seen snippets of it when I’ve been flipping through the channels, but i have never watched a full episode. If you’d asked me about Chuck Norris, I guess I would have said he’s a two-dimensional tough-guy actor with a beard that should be shaved off… (how many successful actors have beards?)  Little did I know about the real Chuck Norris, the true Chuck Norris, the man, the myth, the legend… the comedian?

I recently come across a quote by Chuck Norris on a forum signature. I thought the quote was hilarious, and I asked the person about. I found out that Chuck Norris has a lot of quotes, and he does a very good and funny job of poking fun at his “tough guy” image. I’ve got to say, I like Chuck Norris now, and maybe I’ll even have to watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger… or maybe not. If Chuck ever reads this, I hope he won’t beat me up (for poking fun at his beard – I’ve never had success with beards either). In fact, Chuck, if you’re reading this, I’ve got a beer for you with your name on it, and I’d love to get an autograph for my son.

Here are my Top 20 Chuck Norris quotes (aka Chuck Norris Jokes):

1.  Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

2.  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3.  Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

4.  When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

5.   Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

6.   There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

7.  Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

8.  Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

9.  Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

10.  When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

11.  Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

12.  The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

13.  Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

14.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

15.  Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

16.  The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

17.  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

18.  There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

19.  Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

20.  When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.


If I ever need someone to cover my back in a bar brawl (or fend off the trade show zombies), I know who I’ll call… CHUCK NORRIS!

This gives me an idea. Maybe this is new way to promote your trade show exhibit booths… you can send out a pre-show mailer saying, “Show up at my trade show booth, or Chuck Norris will show up at your house.” Or maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea.

I hope you enjoyed a bit of Chuck Norris humor / Chuck Norris Jokes. Thanks Chuck! I’m keeping that beer for you in the back of the fridge. Stop by any time.


chuck norris sayings, wit, wisdom, insights, knowledge, humor, jokes, and quotes by chuck norris, kungfu guru, karate master, the bearded man of steel with fists of dynamite


7 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Will // Aug 18, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Hey Steve – My 14 y.o. daughter has a poster of Chuck on her wall with about 15 quotes similar to those you posted. So there must be a lot of them out there. I like #20!

  • 2 The Trade Show Guru // Aug 18, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Hey Will,
    We still have “Disney Princesses” and “Thomas the Tank Engine” on the walls. We’re not quite at Chuck Norris yet…
    I agree with you on #20… I think that’s the first Norris quote I ever saw. ~ Steve

  • 3 Sire // Aug 23, 2009 at 5:02 am

    He breathes on Nebraska? Is that because it’s the corn state or something? 😀

    Anyway, I’ve always liked his movies and anything to do with martial arts. I really loved David Carridine in the Kung Fu series. As for the bullet, Chuck Norris would catch it in his teeth 😉

  • 4 The Trade Show Guru // Aug 23, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Hi Sire,
    I guess being from “down under” you’re not familiar with the states in the US. Yes, Nebraska is basically wall-to-wall corn plants.
    I loved the Kung Fu TV show as a kid.
    David Carradine – RIP.
    Thanks for dropping by!
    ~ Steve

  • 5 Ruddiger // Oct 30, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing at it with his finger and saying “BANG!”

  • 6 Tim the Redneck // Nov 22, 2009 at 3:44 am

    Ha Ha! Never read #8 before! Nice list, Steve.
    Have you heard this one?
    “When Bruce Bannor gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.”

  • 7 The Trade Show Guru // Nov 22, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Hi Tim,
    Why would I expect you to be familiar with frostbite, eh? And that reminds me of snake bites, which really suck. 😀 [Explaination to other readers: inside joke. Stop by Tim the Redneck’s blog and read some excellent redneck humor.]
    Anyway, I loved the Hulk TV show. “Don’t make me mad!” 🙂
    Thanks for dropping by! ~ “Snake Bite” Steve

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